When we talk about mutual respect with our dogs, we’re not just talking about using positive training methods. I observe a lot of owners who genuinely adore their dogs and treat them like family. However, they don’t always realise that the way they relate to or behave around them may be perceived as condescending.
I’ll start by saying that every dog is different, as we are, and what is great for some dogs won’t be great for others. This is in no way meant to shame or judge. My goal is to encourage looking at your relationship with your dog like you would any other relationship you value. With an open mind and the intent to grow and improve. Balance is the key.
Things to consider
- Do you make a fuss every time they do something easy and obvious?
Imagine if you brought your boss a coffee and they said, “OMG, GOOD GIRL!!! You’re so clever!!!” Feel respected? Try a calm, warm response with genuine appreciation. Dogs absolutely feel your emotions and are sensitive and tuned in, most of us can do less and still be heard lou d and clear.
- How often are you inconsistent with your emotional responses?
For example, you usually allow your dog to jump up on you and think it’s cute when they get excited or lick your face. But then when you’re dressed up, carrying hot coffee, or guests arrive, you tell them off for the same behaviour. Being accountable and predictable in your emotional responses is a quality that allows those around you to feel respected and safe.
- Do you emotionally dump or download on your dog when you are feeling low?
Dogs are like kids—they aren’t supposed to be or able to cope with being burdened by your own overwhelm. A little bit is fine; dogs love to cheer us up but be careful it isn’t their main job. Too much can affect their own mental health. Learn to recognise when you need to practise self-care separately.
- Are you aware of and considerate of your dog’s need for personal space?
Be mindful that you’re not expecting or insisting on invading your dog’s space when you crave affection. Most dogs love it, but others have simply learned to tolerate it even though they find it stressful. Many have been conditioned to accept it from puppies. Dogs have become akin to fidget spinners for humans!
Consider how it would feel if someone expected you to give affection on tap or constantly touched you to make themselves feel better. For some dogs, it is enjoyable but also overly stimulating and causes hyperactivity. Others get anxious, some become defensive, and others become aloof or avoid being touched. Some even become addicted to it and struggle when it’s not happening—aka the needy ones. Then when the behaviour becomes annoying and they start to lick, nip, or get silly, we get frustrated and send them away.
Personal space is a huge deal, and it goes both ways. Experiment with just being with your dog and sharing peace, in the same way, you’d share space with a valued human friend. You may find you struggle more than the dog!
- Are you actually giving them enough variety and challenge?
Dogs are highly intelligent, social pack animals, and are designed to spend huge amounts of time problem solving, travelling, interacting with pack mates, hunting, chewing, digging and playing. Your daily 30 minute walk around the block is very probably less than what they need to feel good. Being cuddled on the couch isn’t the same.
Remember what lockdown did to so many of us? Even if you had every device and toy known to man, not being able to leave the house was hard. If you think about leaving a toddler alone for long periods of time (even with heaps of snacks and toys), you get a better idea of how inappropriate it is to expect it of our dogs. Really try – if you can – to add more enrichment to their lives. Be creative.
Options include doggie daycare, getting up earlier, dog walkers/sitters, raincoats, and head torches to help. If stressful behaviour is stopping you getting out and about, get help from a decent trainer.
- How often do you truly listen to their emotional needs?
Do you tune in daily to check if your dog is bored, tired, needing connection, overstimulated, frustrated, in pain, or needing friends, sex, or challenge? Just like us, this changes. Do you prioritise and allocate enough time to fulfill these needs? Respect involves compromise. Yes, you’re tired and it’s dark, but your dog relies on you for these things. Maybe a warm coat, a head torch, and another outing are what need to happen.
Throwing a ball repeatedly down the hallway while you watch your show isn’t really what your dog craves. An absent partner or friend leaves us all feeling low.
- Are you allowing your dog privacy and the right to sleep and eat in peace?
Dogs aren’t robots; they have limits and basic needs that should be honoured. Manners around food are important, but once they have been told the food is theirs, leave them alone to eat uninterrupted. Supervise kids around dogs and food at all times. Don’t set the dog up to fail and then label them as aggressive when they don’t understand sharing.
The same applies to sleeping and resting. “Let sleeping dogs lie” didn’t become a saying for nothing.
- Are you actively supporting them to develop and maintain the skills they need to do the things you are asking in your lifestyle?
Dogs need to be taught the life skills we want them to have, they don’t just happen automatically.
Trying to be your dog’s best friend all the time and avoiding allowing them to be bored or uncomfortable will ultimately set them up to fail. You can’t just mostly cuddle and play with and love on your dog and leave out the hard stuff. It may seem great when you’re home alone but they will become anxious and be out of control in public. You need to take your role as leader seriously and parent them. It’s about balance.
Creating and maintaining healthy, mutually respectful relationships requires empathy, effort, education, and personal growth. Dog ownership is no different.
Respecting your dog means treating them how you would want to be treated if you were them.
I recommend spending some time really imagining what it would be like to be your dog and what you would need to be happy and fulfilled. How would you want your owner to relate to you?
You might be surprised at the insights you discover.
